Why? Why? This is the question-word that has haunted me for years. And I realized after reading my friend’s blog post that the question that wells up from the bottom of my soul is “why me”?
Why can’t I keep my house in some semblance of order?
Why is it taking so long to recover from this physical exhaustion that has plagued me for almost 2 years?
Why do I have to believe that God created this world and the human body so intricately? It would be so much easier if I didn’t know.
Why, as a teenager, did I wonder what made people die for their faith? Why did I want to know what was missing in my own faith?
Why did I have to hear this man speak about how God’s shalom can be described in three parts – peace with God, peace with Man, and peace with Creation? And read a few books from here and learn how to personally work at being at peace with God and Man?
Why does Mike’s 15” pizza have to smell so good when it bakes but I can’t eat a bite?
Why do I have to care so much about creation and know so much about what is wrong with it? It would be so much easier to choose not to know about 5-legged frogs, estrogenic compounds, and dead-zones.
Why do I sometimes have to feel like, even though I have so much education, my sole purpose in life is to make meals, do laundry, and dishes?
Why do I believe that God can work in amazing ways to change hearts and lives when I don’t see it happening around me?
Do I believe wrongly?
It’s easy to feel sorry for myself because of my circumstance and what I know about the world. But then comes the “why them” which is equally as hard.
Why do I have to watch a friend die of cancer and have no energy to speak words or do anything for the family?
Why do I have to see the less-than-rosy side of adoption?
Why do I have to see someone dear to me unable to sleep for 7 years without prescription drugs, baffling doctors of all sorts, and battling exhaustion in the process?
Why do I have to see marriages that are struggling and people who don’t know what to do about?
Why do I think I see pain and sadness and loneliness in people all around me when they think that they are just fine?
Why do grandmas die suddenly, two days after a new grandchild?
Why do ex-husbands die and leave behind so many questions and so much pain?
Why do I see all this brokenness in the world, yet I can do nothing but care for myself and only the most basic needs of my family? How do I carry on? I know all of the academic answers….there is sin in the world, God is in control and has a plan, but you know what? IT SUCKS!! The road I have walked the past two years has been grueling – physically, mentally, and spiritually. I probably would not have chosen this road had I known the difficulties, but it has enabled me to be fluent in suffering (exactly what we all want, eh? :) ). Years ago, when I first crafted a series of Sunday school lessons on the 3-part shalom, I knew that there was suffering in the world. I had experienced some in the form of financial struggles, unplanned children, demanding advisors. I guess I just didn’t know it to this extent. I knew back then the same thing I know now, but to a different degree. God is the one who changes hearts and lives. It isn’t brilliant teaching or writing. It isn’t convincing words or more education. Not that those things don’t help, but if that were the only thing, goodness, Christians in North America would have life down pat. But they don’t.
So what to do? I have discovered I am a broken and sinful person, but yet God wants a relationship with me. I have learned to pray all over again. I have put one foot in front of the other each day, one day at a time. I have struggled many times to have hope. I have tried to reach out, to find friends, to take joy in the small victories. And as Meg discovered in “A Wrinkle in Time”, it’s all about love. I have to see the good in life and find love and hope otherwise I will shrivel into a life of cynicism which is really no life at all. I need to mourn my loneliness, my imperfections, my physical weakness, my feelings of inadequacy, and then move on, trusting that God can still use me to bring his Shalom to a hurting world.
My physical struggles will not last forever. Someday there won’t be as many dishes or as much laundry. I’ll, Lord willing, learn to keep house better. And in the meantime I can find comfort in the arms of my husband, who has loved me in the worst of times. I can hug my Rachel each night as I rock with her before bed. I can enjoy my girls and marvel at how much they love Mike and I and each other. How they find such joy in being silly and playing games. I can watch the muppets and learn to laugh more. I can find joy in making food that makes my body stronger. I can see and experience the pain in the world and know that the pain is exactly the reason for Christmas (ok, that sounds sappy!).
And I can ask the question “why not me?” God has enabled me to rise out of the trials, to be refined, to be pruned so that I can minister to a broken world, even while lying on the couch and in the mundane chores. He has enabled me to be a channel of His peace. To learn more about the depths of his love for me. To learn a bit about what it is to share in his suffering so that I may also share in his glory. I can let my girls teach me to find joy and how to love wholeheartedly. I have cried many tears of sorrow, but sometimes those mix with tears of joy. Even in a broken world, I am so blessed. So blessed. And as I share my story, I believe that healing will come for my body and my spirit. God is a god of love and relationships. I am not an island. I need people and, although it doesn’t always feel like it, people need me, too. I just have to wait with patience and more patience and even more patience and trust that the story that God is weaving in my life is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
Stephanie
